636: Move Beyond Ego to Become a Kind Communicator, Have Compassion and Discover Self-Awareness to Achieve Your True Potential with Elizabeth Barry

Speaker 1 0:00 Marketer of the Day episode 636, move beyond ego to become a kind communicator. Have compassion and discover self awareness to achieve your true potential. With Elizabeth Barry,

Robert Plank 0:19 Hey everyone, and welcome back to the marketer of the day podcast. We have returned guest Elizabeth berry here, and if you're curious about her other appearance, you can check that out at marketer of the day, Comm, forward, slash, 478, and Elizabeth Berry is a powerful business coach for executive women ages 40 plus, and for small to mid size businesses and corporations looking to define a new meaning to their profession, their purpose and their value of self, employees and teams now with over 17 TEDx events curated over 100 TEDx speakers and executives coached and hundreds of personal brands launched. Elizabeth Barry, who we're about to speak to, is a valuable asset to professionals who simply desire greater clarity, confidence and communication mastery to fulfill their dreams and goals. So we're going to talk all today about ego, getting out of your own way, and all that comes with that. So Elizabeth, glad to be talking to you again.

Speaker 2 1:17 Hey, you know what? I really have loved every single thing that we've talked about. And I love following you, so it's a pleasure to get back on and talk to your audience about all the ego word, oh

Robert Plank 1:31 no, scary stuff, right? Of like,

Robert Plank 1:35 and I can think of so many different times, like, either with myself or someone else I was working with when, you know, if only they could just get out of their own way and stop like spending 10 times the effort doing things the hard way that maybe feels good temporarily, and do the right thing. And, you know, there's so many times when I just have that feeling of, you know, if only I knew what I knew now 10 years ago or 15 years ago, or looked at some sort of situation from the outside objectively. I mean, could have got got a lot more accomplished. So I have a little bit of regret in that area, but not too much.

Speaker 2 2:10 Yeah. I mean, I think that we all have a chance to look at ourselves objectively, but it's very, very difficult to do. And, you know, I've developed a coaching practice that is based within ego, based within vulnerability. That's kind of where I've grown in the last couple of years, stemming from a marketer who was a consultant for personal brands. Now I take leaders and take them on that journey to understanding that weakness so that you don't use the regret word like you had just used, but you learn to love it and own it, and it becomes part of the power inside of you to move ahead and forge ahead with that weakness, with that past, knowing that you're 10 times more powerful knowing of the mistakes, loving them, owning them, and then just trying not To make them again, and if you do, it's okay, because you're in that process, that journey of of really just being in the moment, in the presence of it. It's kind of powerful.

Robert Plank 3:11 Well, it sounds powerful, so it's to help us better understand this. Do you have, like, a little bit of, like, a before and after picture for us, of like, like, Where were you at before you had this all figured out? And how does your vulnerability now and loving and embracing it moving ahead? What does that look like compared to how things used to be?

Speaker 2 3:31 That's that's a great, amazing question. So a few years ago, in 2016 I wrote the book called own your vulnerability. And when I had written the book, I had a broken heart. And we all go through broken hearts, whether we're in business or in love or life itself. We're all when we talk about the idea of leadership, we lead in life and we lead in career, it could mean so many different things, and I just didn't know how to own the weaknesses that I was ashamed of and I was guilty of and embarrassed of, and until I sat with it, and until I got coached, I immediately started to see the results of being Quiet, being aware, learning to catch myself learning about the value of owning your vulnerability in the moment, so that you don't go back and have to say, Oh, geez. Remember that time when I said that, or when I did that? I didn't really mean that, and I think that that's a difficult place for so much, so many people and for so many different experiences. So what happened with me was that I sat quiet and I got to learn about myself in a way that was so deep and powerful that I understood that in order to get ahead, to become a better, healthier, happier adult, I had. To own my vulnerability, and therefore, since then, since I wrote the book on your vulnerability, and I have a new book called The kind communicator, which talks about the practices with another book coming out with applications of healthy, effective communication habits, I got to tell you, I'm really a better listener. I speak less, I listen more, I don't raise my voice. I am compassionate and empathetic in many, many situations where as a majority of adults would be frustrated or take to anger or things like that. So I've really become a more powerful leader in business, a better woman overall, and a happier, healthier person,

Robert Plank 5:47 awesome, and that's what we all strive to be, instead of just going through life randomly or being at the mercy of whatever happens, or not being aware and just falling into some of the those Bad habits. I mean, who wants that? Right? We're all supposed to be more tapped into our feelings these days and more evolved these days. And so something that got my attention, what you were talking there, is that whole concept of being a better listener and speaking less. And so how do you reconcile the that whole concept of, okay, so we need to, you know, speak less and be more in the moment and but then we're also afraid of or we also need, need to show some of that vulnerability. So how do you speak up and be real and be honest, but then also be more of a listener?

Speaker 2 6:35 That's a great question. So it's, it's actually two separate things. So one, just speaking less and listening more. That opportunity comes in my new book, Robert is probably going to come out at the end of the summer. It's called design the mind to be kind. And what are the tactics I talk about in how to get there, right? Because we all want to speak over one each of one another. We all want to interrupt, but it's, it's about hovering over ourselves. I call it the EB flight approach, and I'm going to be putting birds in there, because I always have to incorporate nature. But the more we can when we actually are at the precipice, at the at the tipping point, to say, okay, Elizabeth, you need to shut. You need to shush. We have to put practices into place, and that practice is hovering over yourself, and then once you start to hover over yourself throughout each day and week and month and quarter, you can actually realize, Wow, I was talking too much, or I said too much, or I overpowered that conversation, or I really came off like a jerk, or things like that start to come up, where you actually understand the value of listening more, and then on the opposite side of it thinking about, Oh, we have to become more vulnerable, we often immediately think vulnerability leads to sharing your feelings. And what would that really what owning vulnerability really means is just getting into the art of leadership in a compassionate and empathetic way. And I think that leaders are so scared to talk about the idea of vulnerability because they consider it weak, or they especially in an office space where I have a men's vulnerability book coming out, I interviewed over 60 men on the topic, and they're also afraid to be vulnerable because they think it's going to be weak, and people are going to speak less of them, and the office are going to get left behind, thrown under the bus. The idea of owning vulnerability alongside of speaking less or speaking up is really just being a kind, compassionate communicator, and that means less power, less demand, less force, more authenticity in who you are, not necessarily speaking about feelings, but owning your feelings and not reacting, but responding More. And that is powerful.

Robert Plank 9:00 I agree, and I've definitely tapped into more of that in these recent years. I'm still figuring it out, but that whole concept of just letting things be and when you're having a conversation, don't just listen with the intent to reply, just kind of let it wash over you, and saying the wrong things sometimes is okay. Asking for help is okay, asking for a clarification is okay. Sometimes awkward silences are okay. All of those sorts of things that we are so nervous about are probably okay. And so with all all the things that are going on. Do you ever have this problem where you like, you're owning your vulnerability and you're being okay with making the mistakes, and you're being aware and you're thinking about all these different things that are going on? Do you ever like second guess too much? Do you ever think, Oh, I wish I'd spoken up. That time that I was sitting there and listening, or do you ever, like, agonize or, like, kind of let all the past stuff catch up to you? Sometimes,

Speaker 2 10:09 I used to do that, Robert all the time, which is why I made this change. And what's, what's happened is, and I'm not flaw. I'm not flawless. I I have mistakes. However, what I do now in that situation, if we want to put it into like a tactical tips, sort of advice answer here, I used to ruminate on things that I could have said better, things that I could have said with less reaction and more of a response, an empathetic response. And through the practices that I teach, through the practice of my own coaching, I hold myself accountable. And with the writing of my books and all the articles that I put out there, the the consistent learning of it, which is, which is kind of why, without pitching myself on air here, executive coaching is such a powerful thing because the consistency of it and the holding accountable of it really creates a better persona so that you don't do that anymore. And the tactical take home tip would be to if you are ruminating over something, the choice would be to be in the moment and be empathetic and not be ashamed or embarrassed or scared or guilty or feeling awkward about it, and compassionately, kindly share your thoughts with another person or with an experience so that you don't hold on to that pressure or that anger or that angst or that rumination. Because what happens is that that pressure creates a very heavy lifestyle, and it gets into the back and the nerves and the nervous system goes awry, and we just carry unwanted weight in the in the book, the kind communicator I talk about, our imaginary backpacks, and they're just filled with all this stuff that we really just need to sit there and look through. So I think it's, you know, the tactical tape take home tip here would be, if you are ruminating over what you could have said or what you could have done in the past, really sit quiet with that and own the own the actions and the patterns and the habits that you had back then that you could let go of. I mean, we all talk about instilling new habits, but it's not all about getting new habits in. It's about letting go of the old ones, and that that takes time. It takes a lot of time and practice for sure,

Robert Plank 12:32 right? And that's a really good point that you made there, that it's not always about adding on, sometimes it's about subtracting and getting rid of the non essential things and and that really helps, because something that helped me a lot in kind of that that regret, or the maybe sometimes being too shy or too reserved, is that whole concept of, well, you probably don't remember someone who did an embarrassing thing, so other people Probably won't remember that embarrassing thing that you did, or they won't think of it as hugely as you do. But then I also like how your advice here today is, well, almost like, Don't miss your chance next time, right? Because if you don't speak up, or you don't make that thing heard, or you don't make that statement with kindness, then you're it's gonna bottle up, and you're gonna carry that around with you in your in your imaginary backpack, as you say. So don't miss your chance next time and get into kind of that, that better habit, that better pattern. And what I really like about a lot of the advice that you're giving us so far today is it seems like half the battle is just putting a label on that thing, right? And I mean, like you mentioned a few times about dealing with my kind of like, the the men psyche, right? The psyche of men, where sometimes we don't even know what we're feeling, or we don't want to talk about our feelings, and sometimes just being like, well, that, that thing you're feeling, other than being like, just angry or just hungry, well, here's, here's that concept, right? Here's out of all the stuff you're doing, you can kind of categorize into some of instead some of the these categories or labels here, and say, well, instead of just saying it's constantly all these new things you're doing, well, you're only doing a handful of things. So here's the label, and here's me unpacking the problem, and now here's the solution, and then we can begin to move forward and we and we can begin to hack away at this problem instead of just repeating the same mistakes. So I really like how you have these fun like metaphors or labels, so we can just get a jumpstart on that sort of stuff. And so you have a lot of this great advice. You have a lot like this podcast and a lot of these amazing books. Do you have any interesting like, an interesting story or case study to share with us about maybe someone you're helped, or one of your clients to kind of help them be their best self in this sense?

Speaker 2 14:53 Yeah. I mean, there's, there's a ton of great stories. Just recently, I had a client that I've been working. With since probably for about seven months now. She's an entrepreneur. She worked for herself in the finance industry, and she was the gopher. She had her own business, and she was pretty much doing all of this extra work and not asking for what her worth was. And we all have that problem. Robert, I mean, it's, it's, it's in all of us to just do the work and be afraid. Have that fear of speaking up for what we're worth. And over time, it wasn't really just about asking for what you're worth, right? Because when we march into someone's office and we create fear in them, well, I'm going to leave if you don't pay me this, all of that didn't even come into play within the coaching. It was really just a tactical month by month, week by week, report of what is happening and unraveling. It's this unraveling. It's the communication and the conversations based on what's happening, and then the advice and tips on a weekly basis to truly uncover how we're speaking in in this in the book that I have coming up, it's about using your words wisely. So the case study really comes down to creating a humble, open, vulnerable, healthy space for my clients to share with me their most embarrassing, shameful ways of communicating and and or just sharing what they're pissed off at, what they're angry at, and just unraveling all that to a point where they can learn how to communicate better and their triggers and their patterns and their habits. And with this woman, she's now just soaring. She was always thinking, Oh, I might have to go work for someone or, you know, I'm doing all this work and I'm not getting paid as much, and she's saying yes to everything now she knows her boundaries. She doesn't allow things to happen anymore, allow people to put her in certain situations, and she's more than tripled her revenue with her clients because she's asked for what she's worth, and we it was not in a fear based manner. It was all in a kindly communicated way of showing value and showing worth, knowing that there are plenty of opportunities out there, and it's how we position ourselves. We can never blame anyone else for the things that we're not getting. We kind of have to look within, and it all starts exactly within their inside. That's why the whole podcast is called Beyond ego. It's getting out of your own way and just shushing to really understand what it is that you're saying and how you're showing up in this world, so that the world can meet you where you're at

Robert Plank 17:44 awesome. And I think we all want that, and I think that you're so right about how not all your problems, but most of your problems, can be dealt with if you look within and you always hear about things like, you know, write down in a journal and put things into words, so that way you can actually identify the problem. And what I'm hearing from like, a lot of the advice that you're giving today and a lot of the ways that you're helping people is it sounds like baby steps are so important that we can't drastically change everything, but if we just make a little bit of incremental progress, a little bit of effort, then we can begin to stop acting in fear, and then go after more of what we want. And what you're making me think of is, is, you know, I I used to be a lot more more fear based. And sometimes I'd ask about, like, what if? Or I'd say, you know, well, can we prepare for this possibility? And that used to be a lot like a lot of the ways that I communicate. And I was dealing with someone a couple of weeks ago, and I said, Well, if, if this person does this, can we be prepared for that? And the person I was talking to was he said, You know what? Why do you get always get so so stressed out. Let's not even worry about that. And normally I would have just got really mad or shut down, but in this case, I spoke up a little bit and I said, Well, I'm I'm not necessarily asking out of fear, but I'm pointing this out, and I want to at least have this on the radar a little bit and at least be thinking this through, and not go in a total panic and not be freaking out, but just Be aware of this, so that way, if this somewhat likely scenario happens, we won't be totally caught off guard, totally unprepared, so that we can be aware, but not just, you know, totally being, being a totally anxious person. So I felt like some of these things that you're mentioning are reminding me of times recently where I use a slight bit of fear to my advantage, and I think a few things through, but don't let it get carried away. And then I also sometimes speak up and clarify slightly and say, Well, let's not ignore this. But I am bringing it up for a. Reason, and just kind of, you know, correcting someone a little bit so that way there's not this misunderstanding down the road. And so I really like how, you know you're getting people to to be their best self here. And sometimes that's maybe doing a little going a little bit above and beyond, and doing a little bit of a work. Or if we feel like we're working ourselves too much, put our ego aside a little bit and hire someone out, or do the outsourcing, or just do do things that actually make more sense instead of the the insanity. So I love it a lot, and I want to make sure that we plug some of these books you have coming out, and especially plug your podcast. So can you tell us about maybe one or two of the books that we need to be focusing on right now, and what makes some of these new materials you have coming out really stand out?

Speaker 2 20:51 Great? Thank you. So my, my first book was called on your vulnerability. It's, it's, it's for women. I'm going to actually relaunch it soon, but it is out there on Amazon and all the ways in which you can purchase self published books. But my latest book is called the kind communicator, and it's about life begins where your ego ends. I actually took the thought from reading on beyond zebra from Dr Seuss, where he he created all these wonderful words beyond the letter z that we don't even think, that we didn't think about and all these characters came alive, and we can all understand that beyond who we think we ought to be, is where we can live authentically and who we are. So the kind communicator is really a badass book because it incorporates nature, incorporates all the flowers and the pictures that I've taken, and it really creates a kindness and a compassion and wisdom for all business leaders. So if you work in an office that has toxicity, if you're looking for personal professional development, if you're hosting a conference or a marketing event, just like you said before, with baby steps, we can't expect the results to happen immediately, but over time and through the processes, we can really put this kind communication into work. It's not about being nice, it's about communicating in an effective way so that it lands. The next book is coming out the end of the summer. We'll definitely do another podcast before then, but my new podcast is called Beyond ego. It actually launched today, so check it out and let me know what you think I it's it's really just tapping into your best self and asking leaders. I'm going to be doing one offs of me just kind of ranting away on the topic of vulnerability and ego, because my favorite thing to talk about, because i i Once sucked, and we all kind of are on this journey, right? We all are falling down and getting back up, and there's nothing better than learning that other people have done the same thing so that we don't feel alone. So if the beyond ego podcast is out there on the interwebs, if you guys are interested in tapping into it

Robert Plank 22:59 awesome, and I think that everyone definitely should tap into this, because it's a scary place to be completely in denial and think that everything's okay, there's nothing to work on. I'm so smart, I must be the best person that there is. But then at some point, when the lie hits the harsh reality, that's no fun. So it's better to be honest with yourself and then move forward. And also, it's very reassuring to know that everyone out there is just as uncertain or afraid as you are. And then there's that, what's it called the Dunning Cougar curve, where at first we think that we know so much stuff, and then the more that we learn, the more we realize that we know less and less. And then the curve drops and drops, then goes back up a little bit. But then the lesson to be gotten from that is that there are a lot of people out there who are more ignorant than you about a lot of subjects, but they have more confidence in you because they don't know what you don't know, or they don't know what they don't know. So then, because you know more, you have more doubt. And if we just all knew that you know, no one has it figured out. I mean, we think about the time that we realize our parents didn't know everything well, that that's us now, right? That's that's part of being an adult, is not knowing things, and it's easy to compare someone else's outsides to our insides. So that vulnerability, I mean, I agree with you. It's so important just to know that we're not in it alone, and that we're on this we're in the same boat as a lot of other people out there. So you said that you have that book, the kind communicator and the podcast beyond ego. And you said that, and we can find it anywhere that that books are self published, or anywhere that podcasts are out there. So we can google search the kind communicator and Google Search beyond ego. But is there a central website or a specific URL we can go to to dive into all this good stuff?

Speaker 2 24:54 There is, there is. It is Elizabeth Barry consulting.com, it's. A full circle place to find where you can get coached to write a TEDx talk, or you can have a workshop on kind communication, or just listen to the podcast and dive into the art of communication, because it's, it's one of the most valuable tools for all of us to adult in great ways.

Robert Plank 25:20 Awesome. Amen to that. So make sure that everyone go to Elizabeth Berry consulting.com and do me a favor, just spend five minutes looking at that website or five minutes listening to one of the podcast episodes. I don't think that's too much of a time commitment. And after jumping in for five minutes, if you don't like what you hear, if you're completely disgusted and you want to turn off forever, I don't think that'll happen, but that's your choice. But just give it five minutes, and I think that you'll be engaged and entertained and you want to continue. So just spend five minutes going to Elizabeth Berry consulting.com check out the materials there. You'll be glad that you did. Thanks Elizabeth for dropping by and for being vulnerable with us on the podcast and giving us some of these amazing insights. I picked up a handful of things like I always do. I appreciate you taking the time.

Speaker 2 26:12 Thank you so very much. I look forward to joining you again.

Robert Plank 26:16 Want to listen to more fantastic marketers of the day. Subscribe to us at marketer of the day.com/itunes and browse past episodes at marketer of the day.com you.