626: Defeat Impostor Syndrome, Enhance Your Leadership Skills, Self-Confidence and Self-Esteem with Mooniek Seebregts

Speaker 1 0:00 Marketer of the day. Episode 626, defeat imposter syndrome. Enhance your leadership skills, self confidence and self esteem with Monique seabreaks.

Robert Plank 0:16 Hey everybody, and welcome back to the podcast. We're chatting with Monique seabreaks, and Monique has coached since 2002 she's a speaker. She's an international best selling author, and in 2013 she became the founder and director of the Center for Innovation for leaders, which is located in good old Sacramento, California. And Monique realized that people like to go after their full potential, and they want to be a great leader, but they often don't know how to get there. So Monique has backpacked and sailed the world, and she's now in California, which she calls one of the most beautiful countries in the world. So we're going to hear today all about how to listen, how to be a good leader, and how to be committed to your clients. So Mooney, glad to be talking to you.

Speaker 2 1:04 Thank you. Thank you so much for having me.

Robert Plank 1:07 Well, you're very welcome. So what? What has you excited these days? What's been kind of your your focus? The last you know, 3060, 90 days.

Speaker 2 1:16 Great question. All right, so in in December, I went from not wanting to have any intentions to having a deep intention for 2019 which sparked me into a complete decluttering of my office. Every piece of paper went through my hands. And I don't know if you have experienced this, Robert, but oh my goodness, you think you have a certain amount of administration or stuff, and then you get into it, and you go deeper and deeper. And I found stuff from 2007 that I didn't even know I had.

Robert Plank 2:05 I can relate, and I can relate to cleaning up some of that old stuff and stumbling upon an old notebook or some pieces of paper and seeing ideas that I'd completely forgotten about, or seeing plans that I had, and I thought, Oh, yeah. Like, I wonder how the heck that fell off my radar. That's a good idea. I should pick that right back up again.

Speaker 2 2:31 Yeah, I am with you because I have found at least 10 ideas that I want to get back to

Robert Plank 2:41 Awesome. Well, I'm glad that you are re energized and reinvigorated, and so as far as what you tell people you do for your business, what is that exactly?

Speaker 2 2:53 So I work with people who don't feel very leader like but they would like to be a leader, or feel leader like they would like to become the leader that they would like to follow so they can achieve their vision, their goals, whether it is for work or for life.

Robert Plank 3:18 I love that be the leader that you like to follow, so that you can hit your goals, and so that you can build the things that you want. And I can definitely relate to having that little bit of imposter syndrome of wondering if I'm worthy, or thinking to myself If only I had more confidence with this or more experience with that, that I could go more places. And then at the same time, you see people who just seem to have it so easy, right? They have no problem with the speaking with the confidence of putting themselves out there or getting things done. And you think, gee, what? And you think, gee, that person doesn't even seem that smart or that skilled. So How the heck can I tap into some of that? So do you have any thoughts on that, on on how we can be better leaders and how we can gain that confidence?

Speaker 2 4:16 Yeah. So the first thing that I think is necessary for all to realize is that we were raised as followers. We were raised in our family to be a follower at school, to be a follower in our society, to be a follower. And if we're not, we're we're difficult, or people are like, God, can't you listen? And then you're 18 or so, and you go to, hopefully college or you do, you do the job that you really want to do, and people expect you to suddenly be an adult. But it doesn't work like that. On top of that, the brain takes about 29 years to develop. So how can we become the adult in our own life? Well, between 18 and probably 29 there's a whole lot of learning that we should do, unless we have had it. We've had the chance in in the home that we grew up in. So that's where we get to self development. And I think self development is so hugely important, because whatever is happening on the inside shows up on the outside. So if I am not confident on the outside, there is something that I need to work on on the inside. Does that make sense?

Robert Plank 5:44 It does in a lot of ways, and maybe in a few slightly painful ways, just because, like you said, when we grow up and when we're in school, we are, I mean, school itself is, was designed for us to become factory workers, right? It's when the bell rings on a regular basis and we're told to, you know, sit at your exact assigned desk and be quiet. And our parents tell us to stay out of trouble and study and get good grades. And like you said, if you are too far off the beaten path as a child, then you're labeled as difficult, then you're a troublemaker, and that's not good. And then so then over time, you're kind of told to, you know, fit in, conform. But then when it's time to get out in the world, and especially if with your entrepreneur or building your own business, well then you kind of have to to switch gears there and be more dynamic and do the opposite, and then tap into some of this self development stuff. And yeah, and yeah, with the self development that's that's been on my mind, especially today, because I was watching someone on video, and he was talking about, you know, how to, you know, live your best life, and how to be more fulfilled, and all these things. And something just didn't sit quite right with this person. And it seemed like he was shaking his head a lot and blinking a lot. And I held my my hand up over his face on video and covered up the bottom half of his face and just looked at his eyes, and he looked really mad. And I was thinking, wow, that's someone who, who doesn't, isn't even aware of maybe some of these, these problems or these disconnects that are happening. And I definitely want to stay away from from that for myself. So as far as self development, what should we be doing, or what should we be focusing on?

Speaker 2 7:46 Well, there's a whole lot these days about emotional intelligence, which I am very much in favor of. And I the other day, I was looking on Amazon Prime, and they're actually videos now about emotional intelligence. Having said that there is more, there is more that we can focus on, but what I see happening, because I've been coaching for so long, is that every person is so different and so individual that it really boils down to micro learning. You know you need something else than your neighbor, or you need something else than your partner because of who you are and because of your background and the way you were raised, and all your beliefs and thoughts. Which brings me to the next part. Is when people are very courageous, they are willing to dive into the, let's call it the basement of our personality, which is where all the subconscious stuff lives, where, you know, our habitual stuff, that stuff that we have taken on, thoughts, feelings, beliefs that maybe come from our environment or our culture, and unless we really look at them and choose whether They fit us or not, we keep reliving the same thing over and over again. So basically, we are either always repeating the past, or we are a part of evolution, or we take part in evolution. So those are the two choices, and self development will help us to move forward. Not that we ever get rid of the past, but we can be conscious about it, how we use it.

Robert Plank 9:54 Yeah, that sounds ideal to use the past as a learning tool and a. A list of things not to repeat, as opposed to the trap a lot of us fall into of just being stuck in that same cycle and being on repeat, which isn't good, because that sounds to me like a lot of wasted time, and it sounds like if you keep living the same year on repeat, and then you eventually die. What have you really done? So as far as you and your own personal journey is concerned, is there anything that stands out for you that was difficult for you to overcome when, when you were diving in to the basement of your mind, so to speak?

Speaker 2 10:40 Yeah, there are a few things that I have overcome. One of them was self confidence, which I realized I had taken on. A whole lot of self esteem issues from the culture and from my family that I really had to deal with. And funny enough, that all comes out when you're speaking, and because when you're when you're giving a talk, that's that which you don't embrace, or that which you have not dealt with, shows up in the speaker, just like what you were talking about, this person who looked mad. There's something going on that this person has not really dealt with. So confidence is a big one that I have done a lot of work with.

Robert Plank 11:38 So is there anything specific that you found was the most helpful as far as building your own self confidence and self esteem.

Speaker 2 11:48 Yeah, one of the things that really worked for me was that I when I started speaking and embracing the confidence was that I actually felt the people that were important in my life, that they were standing right beside me and wanting nothing more for me than to succeed. So it was almost as if I drew upon their love for me to succeed, that made me gain more self confidence, until there was a moment that I realized that I had the self confidence

Robert Plank 12:37 I like that a lot, and I found that For me, especially these last few weeks, there have been so many reminders everywhere of how important other people are, and even if they're just people who maybe aren't there right now physically, but you're you're imagining, you're conjuring up as if they were standing there right right next to you, being supportive and and because I do computer programming and things like that, and when I was getting started, I was age 1617, and I was just goofing around, and I wasn't very confident, I wasn't very motivated. But then once I began creating the software for people, and they were using it, and they were saying, Well, this has helped me with this. Or can you create this other software? Can you have it do that? Suddenly I was motivated, because I wasn't just going through the motions and completing the tasks. I was actually helping people. And that brought the emotions back into it, right? And because I was helping other people, it didn't rely on my own confidence, right? Because it's, it's like if we think, oh, I want to build this business for me, and I want to overcome this stuff that seems tough, but if you say, well, it's not about me. I am I'm thinking about the people that I'm helping. Then now it almost has nothing to do with you or your confidence, and that seems like an easier way to go, at least for me,

Speaker 2 14:14 right? And I always think about it as a figure eight. So I'm all about personal leadership that would you put out that comes from you. You bring it to the outside, it touches either your projects or people, and then it comes back inside so it can refuel you, and it goes back out. So it's, it's, it's an eight figure eight. So as a leader, you really, always, we really, always want to take care of ourselves first, because that what we are. We put out and that will, that will come back.

Robert Plank 14:58 Yeah, and I've seen. That quite a bit like we've I think we've all had those friends, or those groups of people who have nothing but negativity, right? The ones that just are down about this and that, and they're sarcastic, and then you put that out with your friends, and then they feed on that, and then they put more negativity back on you, and then you feed on that, and the next thing you know, you're you're just adding to each other's negativity, and that just sounds miserable. And I noticed that when I was younger, I had a couple of friends who they just refused to to participate in any kind of gossip. They had nothing to nothing bad to say about anyone. And at first I was a little bit put off and confused by that. But then I realized, Oh, they're, they're really keeping the bad stuff out there. They're really, they realize that it's a slippery slope. If you you keep on focusing on the bad stuff or the insults or the negativity, then the next thing you know, that's what you're completely surrounded with it, and who wants that? So I think that's a really good lesson. There really good observation from you that there's that figure eight, what you put out ends up coming back to you. And so your choices are either put out the bad stuff and have more bad stuff, or put out the good stuff and have more good stuff. I mean, I know which choice I'm making,

Speaker 2 16:25 right and it we are living in a very interesting time right now on a massive scale, I think because there are all sorts of reasons to get upset or to, you know, watch the news, and then there is another thing that you worry or think about or feel defeated about, and it doesn't matter what or where it's happening. And as a population or as a humanity, even we have the choice to feel defeated or feel that negativity and then, and then, thus put out more negativity or reframe it in such a way that it empowers us, and then the figure eight will be empowering for ourselves and the people around us,

Robert Plank 17:22 yeah, that have that learning experience, have that abundance mindset, that's that's awesome. I love it. So how does this relate to the services and the training that you provide? If someone comes to you and says, I have these problems, I need some help. Where do you come in and how do you help people?

Speaker 2 17:44 Well, it's always, my focus is always on what the person in front needs and wants. And then I'll throw out some ideas, and then they either like it or they don't like it. And one of my, I like to say, one of my specialties, is that I can really listen, and I can hear what is not said, or I can hear what is in between, in between the sentences. So I can, I can give that back, and then we will move forward.

Robert Plank 18:26 So do you have any interesting case studies or stories where this sort of thing happened, where you had a client like that come to you saying, I need help, and you use your listening skills to then get them where they need to go.

Speaker 2 18:43 Yes, for example, a company asked me to deal with a really difficult employee, which I love, because difficult employees usually have a lot of layers, and they're not just difficult. There is a reason that they are, that they are seen as difficult, or that they feel difficult. So this person was deeply unhappy about her personal life, and so we were able to straighten that out, figure it out, and she has become a completely different person. Now, that happens a lot, that people come to me and they're truly unhappy, and then we go all the way to the root of the problem. And it can be recently. Can be long time ago. It can be, you know, it can be so off base that has nothing to do with work, but it has to do with a lover somewhere in another country. It's completely unattainable, for example.

Robert Plank 19:52 Okay, so, so, yeah, so you dig deep and get to that root of the problem where they're unhappy. So is there? So, is it a case of like, it could be a number of any reasons, like, like the lover and the other country example, or is there a common, or, like, number one, most common reason why people are unfulfilled or unhappy these days,

Speaker 2 20:19 truly, uh, always. Always, is that people don't pay attention to themselves. People do not understand who they are because that we like I said in the beginning, we've learned to follow so then most of us are really not in contact with who we are. We don't even know what we can work with. So then it's really hard to show up and make conscious choices about the kind of person that you want to be. For example, I worked with a CEO who was he was really hard on the people that he worked with. So instead of a team player and getting the most out of his team by being generous and inviting. He used to be down on his people, and he he was really terrible to work with. And so we went back into his life and how he was always beating himself up about the smallest things, and his self esteem was hidden underneath that he was unhappy with who he was, how he had lived, all the misfortunes that had happened. And so here he was, 50 years old, and double, double, beating up all the people that were around him. So that changed, because slowly and slowly, slowly he opened, which is courageous, he opened himself up to the suggestions and the ideas, and then he started making different choices about himself, right, about how he treated himself, and so therefore, then that changed the way he was with his team.

Robert Plank 22:15 Awesome, yeah. And as you're explaining that, I mean it, I think at some point we've all been there, right? We've all been at the point where we're super harsh on everyone around us, and then when we take a step back and think about it and notice what's going on with us, we're like, oh, it's maybe we're taking things out on other people just because we we feel bad about ourselves because we're we're beating ourselves up, or we set super duper high standards for ourselves, and instead of really dealing with that, we just let the the emotions and the chaos take over. So so yeah, it seems like, as you're explaining some of these things, it's, it's so important for us to tune into what's really going on with us, and so is there an easy, I guess, action step that listeners can can take today in order to begin listening to themselves? Is it a matter of journaling or hiring a coach, or is there something specific we should be checking out today?

Speaker 2 23:25 One of my favorite tools, besides really talking with somebody who can truly listen to you as an objective listener, which goes beyond being a friend, right? Because friends often agree with each other, is to do the artist way. Have you heard of that? The artist way is journaling. So basically, you put your pen on paper, and you don't stop writing until you've written three pages, and they can be long pages or short pages, and you can start with, I really don't want to write. I have no idea what to write about. I don't want to do this. This is stupid. And you keep writing because you can't take your pen or pencil off paper, and then something happens, because then suddenly the door to maybe your basement, or what you're really thinking about, or what's really important in your life, starts to open up. And usually for me, the nugget happens on the third page. And this is not my idea. This is from Julia Cameron and a lot of creative people and a lot of people in leadership positions. They do this in the morning. So they get up, they have their pages ready to write on. They get their. Cup of tea or coffee, and they sit down. That's the first thing they do. And what it does it is it clears your whatever is going on inside you. It clears your mind. You can have, actually a clean slate to start with, so you don't pile up everything on top of the slate that isn't clean for the day.

Robert Plank 25:24 That's awesome. And my sister used to do something similar in college. She called it free writing, and when she was procrastinating on a term paper, she would do just what you sub you described. She would just type whatever came to mind on the keyboard, even I don't feel like writing, I'm putting off writing this paper. And she had a similar effect. Was after a couple of pages of that, then it would get all the clutter cleared out of her brain, and then she would then have nothing left, then to do the work, then do the writing. And I really like how the way that you describe it there is to do that as part of our morning routine, is to wake up and just get all those that baggage out that maybe has been piling in there overnight or over the previous day, get it all out there. That way we can start the day fresh. That's a really great tool for people to use, if they can be disciplined enough to stick with it. But even just try it tomorrow morning, first thing before anything happens in the day, why not try that and see where it takes you. So as far as your websites, books, projects, contact information, where can and where should people find you and reach out to you.

Speaker 2 26:46 All right, and thank you for asking that my website is a long website, because we are the center of innovation for leaders.com. Leaders.com and so people can get in contact with me through contact at center of innovation for leaders, since I believe that as leaders, we should always innovate ourselves.

Robert Plank 27:17 Yeah, don't just be an innovator. Don't just be a leader, be both,

Speaker 2 27:22 be both. And then on the homepage of the website, there are the nine steps to personal leadership.

Robert Plank 27:30 So when, when people check out your website and people email you, is there anything specific you want people to be sending over to you? Do you want them to to send them like your question about leadership? Or do you want them to tell you about their problems? Or is there anything specific you want people to be emailing over to you?

Speaker 2 27:53 Well, everybody who emails me and is interested in leadership coaching, they always get their first coaching free. So if people would say, I'm interested in a free coaching session, then I would, I would love to, love to give that

Robert Plank 28:13 perfect so everyone listening, make sure that you do that. Send that email to Monique, and that is contact at center of innovation for leaders.com and ask her about that free coaching session and how you can claim it, and while you're waiting for a reply back then check out Center of Innovation for leaders.com so that way you can see what she's all about and how she can help you. And I mean, it's free you better ask for. If you don't ask, you don't get and so as we're wrapping up here, Monique, you said that you're lately, you've been decluttering, and that you're also excited for this coming year. So is there anything specific that you plan on doing this this coming year that you feel like sharing anything new and interesting on the horizon.

Speaker 2 29:04 Yes, I have a few things the first the first thing is very close. It's in every moment I choose to be who I really want to be. So that's the first big thing. And then I plan to, in September, walk the John Muir Trail, and I have a few other odds and ends that I am looking at, but a big impact I want to make in companies this year, I want to make more people aware of how wonderful teamwork can be if everybody understands personal leadership,

Robert Plank 29:45 super cool and essential skills. So make sure that everyone listening. Check out center, center of innovation for leaders.com. Make sure we have that right. And then make sure to email. Monique at contact at center of innovation for leaders.com and ask her for that free coaching session. There's always room for improvement. We can always be bettering ourselves, so why not start there, Center of Innovation for leaders.com and thanks Monique for stopping by and sharing your knowledge and sharing your greatness with us.

Speaker 2 30:22 Thank you so much, Robert and thank you everybody for listening.

Robert Plank 30:27 Do you want to be a sponsor for the Robert plank show? Make sure to go right now to Robert plank.com forward slash ask. Fill out the form and tell us how you'd like to sponsor the show. Thanks for listening.

Speaker 3 30:41 You.